Thoughts for the Day

(many of them from people much wiser than myself)

“Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free! Be more like the man you were made to be. There is a design in alignment – the cry of my heart to see – the beauty of love as it was made to be.”

God is love.

And He will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you. (my yoke is easy and my burden is light)

It is so easy on a Christian campus to get caught up in the whole Christian college student thing. You know what I’m talking about. If you are a Christian college student or know someone who is. And I’m as guilty as anyone else - I'm completely describing myself right now.

And if you don’t happen to be or know a Christian college student, I’ll lay it out for you.

I may be texting my friends all through chapel, but I’ll for sure be there, closing my eyes and lifting my hands during the worship just in case somebody’s watching (but of course I'm only doing it for a better connection with God...). It makes me feel good.

I’m going to shut out negative emotions, because I want to encourage everyone around me, and there’s no way I can do that unless I’m cheerful and pleasant.

I’m going to find the good in every situation, because God makes everything happen for a reason, and God forbid it doesn’t make sense to me – I have to understand it all, or my faith is so not as mature as that other girl’s.

I’m going to drive myself completely insane trying to figure out God’s exact plan for my life – searching for His will in every tiny mundane choice I need to make. Because there is only one right choice. I need to be within His will, after all.

I am going to give and give and give and give – it doesn’t matter if I have a project due the next morning, or haven’t slept properly in days. If one of my friends needs a listening ear, then I will be that ear. Unlimited. For hours on end.

“Take every thought and make it captive to Christ.”

“Be perfect, therefore, as He is perfect.”

Those are my mantras.

So, are you following me? Do you see where Bethany was a few weeks ago? Do you see yourself in there?

I don’t think I need to address the first point – enough people have addressed the topic of worship – do we do it because it makes us feel better about ourselves or to give to God – what does it mean to worship – etc. etc. Mark Buchanan describes living as an act of worship in his novel, The Holy Wild. Check it out.

(and I still text my sister during chapel if I’m bored. True confession.)

The other points, though, could use some fleshing out. Later though. I have homework. Be prepared – there will be a plethora of notes coming to describe my thoughts/arguments. I’ve been through a lot this year… have played around with different theological concepts. Have adopted some. Have dropped others.

To make a play on the scripture “the grass withers and the flowers fall…”

Theological concepts come and go, but God Himself is constant. The same yesterday, today, and forever.

And it’s way cool that He’s always there.

So get ready for a rapid fire succession of lessons I’ve learned/thoughts and musings. And in the meantime, check out the Mumford & Sons release “Sigh No More”. It’s good stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7TrU4_-JTY

Dances with Wolves

And I am dancing with the wolves.

Disclaimer: I know this is going to sound a little ridiculous, but know that with every ounce of my being, it is true. No words on paper can fully describe the experience of being with the wolves.

At first, I was skeptical. My brother called me, so excited because he was going to go down to Wolf Creek Habitat and hang out with wolves for a day. I didn’t really understand the appeal, so I turned down his offer to bring me with him. And then he came back and showed me pictures, and I thought it was kind of cool that he had been so close with these wild animals, but I still didn’t get it.

But his excitement was contagious, and I found myself agreeing to go back with him, and our younger sister, the first day of Christmas break.

So we made the four hour drive, starting early in the morning, and arriving around noon. The wolf habitat is set back from the main road, down a winding, narrow road in the mounds, running parallel to a little creek, and surrounded by trees. When we arrived, we stepped into a little cabin with a wood-burning stove which served as the gift shop, to pay our fee to go in and meet the wolves.

At first, all I could think about was how cold my toes were in my ripped up old tennis shoes, and the first words of the woman who owned them wolves were not exactly encouraging.

“I know this sounds weird, but if one of them comes up from behind and grabs you around the neck, just reach back and push them off.”

We held our hands out for them to sniff before we went into the enclosure, and then stood with our backs against the fence door, so they would not knock us over with their enthusiastic greeting. And we carefully made our way to the center where we stood with our backs against a platform so that the wolves could come up from behind and greet us by licking our faces. And at this point, I was no longer thinking about the cold, or about my doubts. I was in a different place.

It is an incredible thing to be that close to something that God created to be wild, and I was on their territory, unfamiliar to me. It was entirely up to them how I would leave it. In a sense, I was powerless, but I was not afraid.

Dyami, the alpha female, was the most enthusiastic of the four. She greeted Sarah and I by nibbling at our noses and chins (which stick out like their snouts – it’s the way they would greet each other), and then she came to Kevin, who I think she must have remembered from his earlier visit. She had taken a special liking to him then, and wolves have very long memories. She at least seemed very pleased to see him again. Then the alpha male, Pejuta, and the beta male, Akki, came to inspect us. These first three teamed up to pull off my hat; they seemed to find it very interesting. I hung onto it though, and got it back. This all happened in a few moments, and just when I thought they were done, in my peripheral vision, I saw one suddenly appear next to my face and sniff at me. This was Tikaani, the omega female, sneaking up from behind after the larger wolves were finished.

Tikaani, though the most timid of the pack, seemed to like me (we think because I am the smallest), and would come to me and let me scratch her belly for long moments, and kept eye contact with me. Staring into those orange eyes was completely unreal. It was like we understood each other. It is so affirming to be chosen as a companion for a few moments by one of these incredible creatures. Each time one of them approached me to lick my face or lean against me to ask for a belly rub or grab the wrist of my sleeve to pull me along somewhere, I felt so privileged to be among them, that they would even want to interact with me.

Each of them had distinct personalities. Each of them had a clear place and order in their structured hierarchical society. Each of them had a sense of family. Each had an aura of intelligence around them.
Toward the end of the visit, each of us were given a piece of peppermint to put in our teeth, and the wolves would grab it out of our mouths with their teeth. They love peppermints! And they were so gentle. Over-enthusiastic Dyami knocked my candy back into my mouth on my tongue, and then Akki reach into my mouth and picked it up, and I barely felt a thing.

I cannot describe in words how incredible this whole experience was. I had been completely used up, at the end of my reserves, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, after a far too long semester at school, and I had no idea of how badly in need of healing I was.

But God did. And the wolves did. And I feel completely restored.

"Is This the Beginning of a New and Brighter Birth?"

In the past few weeks, I’ve learned more about giving praise to God than I ever thought possible. And it’s a painful and a beautiful thing, and I’m not going to get too in depth here. But God has stretched me and taught me more than I ever thought I could be capable of… though I guess that’s the point? That I’m not capable of it.

Regardless, tonight I’m reflecting on how good God is for my pride. As in, he’s been pretty incredible at breaking it apart and tearing it down since I started praying about it in high school. And at first, it was only in small pieces; I’d spent quite a long time building it up and shaping it. I wasn’t willing to let go of more than the littlest chunks.

But lately… in the past 6 months or so… it’s been coming down in waves. I could write a book about the lessons I’ve learned – painful ones – but I’m just beginning to really reflect on it, so I couldn’t put it all into words here. And of course I didn’t get it while it was happening; I’m much too stubborn and shortsighted for that. But looking back, I can see a little glimpse of how everything relates. And I can get small glances at the much more beautiful product that God is shaping in me than I was ever capable of creating myself.

So that’s all back story; what I really want to talk about is how I’ve watched one scene from the Prince of Egypt roughly 30 times today. The scene with the “Look at your life through Heaven’s Eyes” song. Mainly because they summed up in five minutes what has taken me 20+ years to learn. And I feel ridiculous, because I have watched this movie multiple times, and I never really ‘got it’ until now. And I feel ridiculous for being so moved from a cartoon that I’ve thought about it for hours, even while I was at meetings and such, and am still watching it and gaining more from the lyrics of the song and the images.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oG0a9WFkgzU&feature=related

That is what I mean by God being good for my pride. Even in the littlest things, He’s constantly reminding me that I don’t have a clue, and when He does reveal things to me, it’s in the most basic of concepts and from the most unlikely sources – there is no chance of me turning it into bragging about how incredibly insightful and intellectual I am. And in that way, God is protecting me from my sinful tendencies. It blows my mind how perfect He is.

Okay, I’ve taken a long time to get to my original point… the whole idea of the song. Until very recently, I have spent my entire life trying to figure out why things happen and what God wanted in my life. The problem is that I was trusting in myself to discern that, and how can ‘a single thread’ see ‘the pattern of the grand design’? I can’t! Why even try? I would even say things intellectually about how we can never see things from God’s perspective, because we’re not capable of understanding it, but I didn’t really grasp the concept or apply it. And the things that I thought had value? Not important. It’s not important to be viewed as capable or intelligent or creative.

“So how can you see what your life is worth? Or where your value lies? You can never see through the eyes of man – you must look at your life through heaven’s eyes.”

And I’ve spent much of my life up to this point looking for answers. Praying for God to explain to me why each thing happens. And when He didn’t answer, I would decide why things were happening and project that onto Him. But God isn’t going to explain to me every detail of my life! That’s not the point.

“And though you never know all the steps, you must learn to join the dance.”

The whole point of faith is to trust and follow without knowing how it all turns out. Which is the most basic of concepts, but one that I’ve never really understood fully. And it’s all just a reminder. Of how I need to live my life, and what I’m striving for.

“So how do you judge what a man is worth? By what he builds or buys? You can never see through your eyes on earth. Look through heaven’s eyes.”

God is so freaking awesome!

Confession: I write notes to myself.

It’s been a while… I’m not sure that this will be a blog entry – it’s too unpolished. I just haven’t written to myself in quite a while, and I’d like to again.

I think I’m in a mood – I’m not sure what that mood is exactly. Something in which I don’t know what I want. Part of me wants to curl up on my bed and not get up for a long while. The other part is really craving human company. It would be so much simpler if I could just figure out whether I want one or the other.

And I know… ‘humans are complex’. We don’t make sense.

We don’t make sense to ourselves anyway… it’s kind of a comforting thought that I make sense to God… I’m not sure that I do to anyone else, including myself.

I don’t have any profound thoughts on life tonight. Just that I really take comfort in the thought that God knows my desires better than I do.

An Unexpected Catharsis

Love others for the little love that they are able to give.

I exist to share God’s love in the imperfect way that I can, not to be God and to save people for him. If I do the saving, then they don’t need God. And how arrogant of an attitude is that in me?

God is teaching me volumes about love… and not in the way I would expect. Rather than giving me people to love, he’s taking people away from me – people that I have been inclined to ‘save’ rather than love, though before I couldn’t see the difference. Because of God, we are free to love without an agenda, to love others without needing to save them, because Jesus has already done that. It’s not our responsibility.

Granted, at the time of the tearing away, I couldn’t see the point. In any of it. I was hurting; I was upset; I couldn’t see a purpose. But the small distinction that I failed to note was that I couldn’t see my purpose.

I thought I knew what God was doing and why, and (go figure) I was wrong again.

And you know… I’m glad I was wrong. Because God is stretching me and helping me to grow in completely unexpected ways.

I like not being able to figure him out.

I Have Superhero Syndrome.

I want to save the world.

Save the cheerleader; save the world. There is a God, and there is a Heaven. Recycling. Throwing the damn starfish back in the ocean. Why does it work? Because we all have a need to believe that our actions, that events in our lives have a deeper meaning. That the little things that we do day-to-day matter.

So what do you do when the world sucks, and you know you can’t do anything about it?

Should I just close my eyes tight, ignore reality, and pretend that I can make the world perfect single-handedly?

Or should I completely drop the idea that I can make a difference, and just accept the world as the disappointing mess that it is?

I think either of those options would make life a lot easier.

But maybe finding contentedness in life is about reconciling those two ideas.

I would take any answer right now.

A Fine Day for a White Wedding?

Marriage.

The word looks scarier the closer I get to an age where I would be likely to achieve it.

My mom was married when she was 20. I’m 20. And it’s hard for me to imagine myself in her place.

Being at a Christian college, going into my junior year, I’m constantly hit with the idea of the ideal relationship… (meet freshman year, talk about dating over the summer, start dating sophomore year, break up junior year to spend some time getting closer to God, get back together at the end of junior year, get engaged senior year, get married summer after senior year). And while I tend to be tongue-in-cheek and laugh at that, I know that it has to have some effect on me.

My friends are getting married and those that aren’t are still planning their weddings. Sometimes it’s fun to imagine myself married – in my own house, holding a baby, playing with kids, coming home for Christmas with the whole crew… it’s the husband thing that’s harder for me.

The very concept of marriage sounds scary and impossible to me – how can you expect to find someone interesting enough to occupy you for the rest of your life?

Every part of me resists the idea of tying myself down to one person. It’d be really, really nice if it was attainable; it’s a pretty picture. And this isn’t one of those guy-bashing posts. I’m looking at myself and at my personality, and I can’t see it. I fill my life with a thousand different things, at a breakneck pace, and I like it that way. The idea of finding another person who can keep up with me, or who I would be willing to slow down for? A pretty picture, again. But attainable? I have no idea.

I can remember in high school, thinking that I would be married in college or right after, and I could easily see myself in that situation, and I would daydream about it… but now that I’m actually there… there is no way.

I want to be single. I want to have fun. I want to have adventures. I want to travel. I want to focus my energy on teaching. I want to have a rockin’ friendship with God. I want to be able to pick up and go whenever I want. I want to have strong relationships with lots of friends.

I’m not ready to settle down. Not nearly.

But see – I like the thought of romance. Does this mean I want love, but not commitment? Feeling more and more like a terrible person, the longer I think.

Does getting married mean the end of adventures? People claim not, but in my mind, I think it does. Mom keeps saying that I need to marry a guy that will keep me grounded. I want to marry a guy that will go on adventures with me. Forget being grounded. Life is too short.

And aside from all that, just thinking about it… he’s always there. He lives in the same space as you. He sleeps in your bed. He eats your food. He shares your bathroom. He watches your tv and uses your shampoo. He leaves his socks all over your floor.

And then there’s all this talk of belongings. You belong to him. He belongs to you. When do you stop being an individual? I feel like marriage means giving up a part of myself, of my personhood. And that thought makes me angry.

I think the idea of marriage shouldn’t evoke fear, anger, and resistance. Maybe several years from now I’ll feel differently. Maybe not. We’ll see.