Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A Fine Day for a White Wedding?


The word looks scarier the closer I get to an age where I would be likely to achieve it.

My mom was married when she was 20. I’m 20. And it’s hard for me to imagine myself in her place.

Being at a Christian college, going into my junior year, I’m constantly hit with the idea of the ideal relationship… (meet freshman year, talk about dating over the summer, start dating sophomore year, break up junior year to spend some time getting closer to God, get back together at the end of junior year, get engaged senior year, get married summer after senior year). And while I tend to be tongue-in-cheek and laugh at that, I know that it has to have some effect on me.

My friends are getting married and those that aren’t are still planning their weddings. Sometimes it’s fun to imagine myself married – in my own house, holding a baby, playing with kids, coming home for Christmas with the whole crew… it’s the husband thing that’s harder for me.

The very concept of marriage sounds scary and impossible to me – how can you expect to find someone interesting enough to occupy you for the rest of your life?

Every part of me resists the idea of tying myself down to one person. It’d be really, really nice if it was attainable; it’s a pretty picture. And this isn’t one of those guy-bashing posts. I’m looking at myself and at my personality, and I can’t see it. I fill my life with a thousand different things, at a breakneck pace, and I like it that way. The idea of finding another person who can keep up with me, or who I would be willing to slow down for? A pretty picture, again. But attainable? I have no idea.

I can remember in high school, thinking that I would be married in college or right after, and I could easily see myself in that situation, and I would daydream about it… but now that I’m actually there… there is no way.

I want to be single. I want to have fun. I want to have adventures. I want to travel. I want to focus my energy on teaching. I want to have a rockin’ friendship with God. I want to be able to pick up and go whenever I want. I want to have strong relationships with lots of friends.

I’m not ready to settle down. Not nearly.

But see – I like the thought of romance. Does this mean I want love, but not commitment? Feeling more and more like a terrible person, the longer I think.

Does getting married mean the end of adventures? People claim not, but in my mind, I think it does. Mom keeps saying that I need to marry a guy that will keep me grounded. I want to marry a guy that will go on adventures with me. Forget being grounded. Life is too short.

And aside from all that, just thinking about it… he’s always there. He lives in the same space as you. He sleeps in your bed. He eats your food. He shares your bathroom. He watches your tv and uses your shampoo. He leaves his socks all over your floor.

And then there’s all this talk of belongings. You belong to him. He belongs to you. When do you stop being an individual? I feel like marriage means giving up a part of myself, of my personhood. And that thought makes me angry.

I think the idea of marriage shouldn’t evoke fear, anger, and resistance. Maybe several years from now I’ll feel differently. Maybe not. We’ll see.


Jessie said...

I............identify with every word you just said.

let's talk about this sometime. I feel like we need to have more good conversations.

Jessie said...

haaaaaa. oh, time.